The end of the year holidays, both secular and religious, are rapidly approaching. With them come the weight of expectations, hopes, and fantasies about what the holidays can and should be. Whatever and however you celebrate, if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you’ve probably noticed that the holidays have a way of stirring up the nervous system. If I could wave a wand and take all the stress, pain, and angst of the holidays away, you’d see me swinging my arms like a professional athlete. But unfortunately, that isn’t the kind of magic the holidays hold. So short of that, I recommend that each of us work on maintaining solid boundaries to help us get through the challenges of the holiday season.
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What are Boundaries for the Highly Sensitive Person?
When I talk about boundaries, I usually compare them to fences that show where one person ends and someone or something else begins. Boundaries, like fences, offer a sense of safety by creating separation. They can protect us from being encroached upon, but they also help contain us—our energy, our emotions, our resources—so that we aren’t drained by others and we don’t impose on others’ territory.
Sometimes we may find we hardly need any “fence” to mark the line of separation. These boundaries may be as small as a one-foot decorative garden fence or even just a stone path that marks the line. We may have a person in our lives who respects our time, energy, and capacity to give. They politely knock at the metaphorical gate of the fence to ask to come in and willingly leave when asked to do so.
At other times, we may need a much stronger fortification that provides limited access. Think of a fence at the zoo with a double-gated entrance or the wall of an old castle, complete with drawbridge and moat. These boundaries are meant to protect us from greater transgressions but can have the potential to keep out too much, so that we can become isolated in our fortress.
Ideally, our boundaries are flexible and adaptable to changing circumstances in our lives and in the people and the world around us. The doors and windows would transform as needed to let a flow of information, energy, and human contact move across the boundary. You might imagine that the walls have the capacity to adjust to the demands on them, growing higher and denser at some moments, then lowering and becoming more porous at other times. Sometimes they would circle off just our core so that visitors could come close to us, while at other times, the boundaries might be set so far out that we are the tiny pinpoint at the center of a huge circle than no one can easily approach.
Why are Boundaries Especially Important for HSPs?
HSPs are susceptible to taking on other people’s energy, emotions, needs, and desires. It can be hard to say no or risk upsetting someone else if we feel like we are responsible for helping people cope with their emotions at the same time as we take care of our own. If we don’t have a clear sense of ourselves and the boundaries that define who we are, we may be feeling pressured to adjust our boundaries to accommodate other people or a vague sense of social expectation.
Think of what it would be like to have a dog off leash in an unfamiliar yard that doesn’t have a fence. You would probably expend a lot of energy monitoring where the dog is and if anyone else’s dog is coming into the yard, calling your dog back or asking other people to stay out of the yard. This is what it’s like if our boundaries aren’t apparent to ourselves and others. Having healthy boundaries that are clear to ourselves and that we have clearly communicated to others means we don’t need to constantly scan for threats. It can free up our energy to get through the rest of the holiday season’s demands on our energy, time, and activity.
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Boundaries are Ultimately about Me, Not You
It is important to keep in mind that boundaries are about protecting what happens inside our protective walls, however we define them. Boundaries are not designed to compel other people to act in certain ways. Boundaries communicate what I will do in response to certain situations; they don’t try to control or prevent those situations.
For instance, one of my boundaries is that I will not continue to have a conversation with someone who is yelling at me. This does not mean that I tell people “stop yelling at me” or that I can force other people to never raise their voices. Instead, I will tell them that I don’t have conversations with people who are yelling, and then I will end the conversation (walk out of the room, hang up the phone, etc.). I will not resume a conversation until that person can maintain a conversational volume with me. Setting this boundary is about keeping myself safe within my psychic walls, not about making sure the person never yells again. If we try to talk again and they resume yelling, I once again set the boundary or decide if I want to set a new boundary (for example, “I am not going to talk with you again for 24 hours” or “I’m going to stop having contact with you”).
Addressing Common Holiday Boundary Issues for HSPs
Personally and professionally, I’ve found it to be extremely helpful as an HSP to have a plan for what boundaries I want to set for the holidays and to communicate those in advance to the people who may “approach my gate.” The next best thing is to be very clear in my own mind about my boundaries so that I can communicate them in the moment to people.
Here are five common holiday boundary issues that arise that you may want to consider:
There are no right or wrong boundaries, so take these as possibilities for how you might consider boundaries.
#1 – Common Holiday Boundary Issue: Time Together
Decide on what your limits are for how, when, where, and with whom you’ll socialize so that you don’t get burned out with too much peopling. The more clarity you have, the less likely you are to inadvertently say yes to something out of surprise, decision fatigue, or people pleasing. Some examples might be “I will not go to evening social events if I have to work the next day,” “I only spend 3 hours at a social event,” or “I will attend events in public spaces but not in someone’s house and will not host people in my home.”
#2 – Common Holiday Boundary Issue: Time Alone
Most HSPs struggle to get enough solo time to replenish under everyday circumstances, let alone during the festive season. Be sure that you are clear about your boundaries for your alone time. Some possibilities include “I will set aside an hour each night before bed even if it means leaving an event early” or “I will keep one weekend day free for solo activities throughout the holiday season.”
#3 – Common Holiday Boundary Issue: Differences of Opinion about Politics, Religion, and Other Hot-Button Topics
It’s no secret that in any group of people, family or otherwise, there will be differences of opinion. Consider what your boundaries are whether you are someone who would prefer if everyone kept their views to themselves, if you are someone who feels it is important to share your opinion and be known for your true self, or if you fall somewhere in the middle. Your boundaries might range from “I ask everyone at my house to refrain from discussing politics” to “I invite everyone to be brutally honest about their views.”
Be clear in your own mind and in what you communicate to others. It would be wise to expect that your boundaries may not be shared, so have a clear sense of what you will do if that happens (for instance, “I will go into another room,” “I will change the subject,” “I will ask communicate that certain language isn’t used in my home and ask people to refrain or to leave.”)
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#4 – Common Holiday Boundary Issue: Food, Drink, and Body Commentary
An area for significant boundary issues to arise is around the food and drink customs associated with the holidays, what each of us personally chooses to consume or abstain from, and commentary about bodies (size, weight, etc.). You do not owe anyone an explanation for your choices (“I don’t talk about what foods I choose to eat” or “I choose not to serve XYZ in my home”). You also do not need to participate in a discussion of your body or anyone else’s as part of holiday observances (“I am not willing to discuss my weight with you” or “I’m not going to join in a conversation about that person’s body”).
#5 – Common Holiday Boundary Issue: Finances
Not surprisingly, money stress goes hand in hand with the holidays. Many people are unprepared to set financial boundaries—how much they will spend and in what ways; what gift exchanges they will participate in; whether they will discuss salaries or year-end bonuses at get-togethers; how they will participate in charitable giving, etc. Being clear on your own financial picture is a helpful first step to setting boundaries that hold up to the pull of consumerism at the holidays.
However, you will also need to be clear in how you communicate them to others. For instance, you might find yourself telling your children that “our family will not be taking a cruise like your friends are doing” or politely declining to participate in a pricey gift exchange with the neighbors. Other examples might be saying to a relative “I (we) will buy one small gift for each child but not for adults” or saying that you have “already donated as part of a collection at work” when asked to make a similar donation at church or at a store.
Boundary Setting is Hard Work for a Good Cause
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, setting boundaries is the only chance you have of protecting yourself as an HSP, especially during the holidays. You cannot expect other people to know how to treat you (even if your HSP skills let you figure out how they want to be treated). Communicating our boundaries is how we let people know what we want and need.
Boundaries might not give you the holiday celebration of your dreams, but they will help you ward off the intrusions that eat away of our energy, our joy, our peace. That seems like a perfect gift to give ourselves as HSPs.
Be sensitive, be free
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