Growing up with unsupportive or non-sensitive parents can be highly challenging for sensitive boys and girls. Rarely does a highly sensitive person escape childhood without incurring a few emotional wounds. Many of us had parents who didn’t understand our highly sensitive nature and didn’t have the skills or insights to parent us sensitive kids well.
If you suspect that you were a highly sensitive child but didn’t get the support you needed, chances are as a parent, you are looking to avoid the pitfalls they made to raise well-adjusted, connected, and attached boys (and girls) who will become thoughtful, respectful, well-adjusted adults. In this article, I’ll be providing an overview for parents of sensitive boys plus some wins I’ve experienced in parenting my two sons.
Table of Contents
Step #1 – Am I a highly sensitive person (HSP)?
The first step to understand yourself as a parent and to understand your potentially sensitive child is to take the highly sensitive person test on the HSPerson.com website. Once you’ve taken this test, review the results and ponder this for yourself: Did you get what you needed as a child? Perhaps taking inventory on your childhood would be a useful exercise to reflect back on things your parents did well, and things they didn’t do well. Make a note of some of the things you’d like to avoid, as well as things you’d like to repeat. Being intentional is key to understanding yourself and your sensitive son.
Another aspect of sensitivity to think about is what messages you received from your parents and from society as it relates to masculinity. Did you have a dad who prioritized sports and accomplishments over quieter activities and relationships? Taking a closer look at what messages you were brought up to think were ‘normal’ for boys can go a long way in being intentional as you raise your sensitive sons.
Step #2 – Is my partner a highly sensitive person (HSP)?
The next step in evaluating building a good environment for your sensitive son is to gauge your partner’s sensitivity. Have them take the HSP test using the link above and share their results, if they are willing. It’s perfectly okay if you or your partner are not sensitive. This is a learning experience for everyone. Just because one or both parents are not sensitive, does not mean that they will be bad parents to a sensitive boy. As with any other personality trait or interest, parents can prioritize the emotional wellbeing of their kids and find resources to meet their needs. Practicing attachment parenting is one valid way to meet the needs of sensitive boys.
My firstborn son was an extremely high need baby. He cried when anyone but me held him, he didn’t want to sleep apart from me, nursed around the clock, and seemed high strung. All the parenting books I read to prepare for becoming a mom were useless. When I came across Attachment Parenting, by Dr. William Sears, I found it full of tips to meet the child’s needs according to them and what they needed to feel happy, satiated, and connected. As a very sensitive woman and mom, it came naturally to focus on attachment to help my son feel safe.
As we navigated the toddler and early elementary school years while meeting our son’s needs, he gradually became less dependent on us as parents and was well-adjusted with good people skills. I credit the early years of listening to his needs and meeting them with the reduction of neediness and anxiety.
Step #3 – Is my son a highly sensitive child (HSC)?
This brings us to step three. You might suspect that a toddler or very young child is sensitive, but you can’t be entirely sure until they are able to respond to the HSC test devised by Dr. Elaine Aron.
Some of the questions on this test include:
- Does your child startle easily?
- Complains about scratchy clothing, seams in socks, or labels against his/her skin?
- Learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment.
The complete highly sensitive child test can be found here. Feel free to take it on behalf of your young child or ask them the questions and record the answers online. It’s important to note that sometimes traits of introversion or shyness can seem like sensitivity. As children navigate the stages of childhood development, they can shift and change. Retaking the HSC test periodically can be helpful.
Step #4 – Where can I find resources to get educated about HSCs?
There are a small handful of coaches and therapists who specialize in highly sensitive kids. In looking back, it would have been helpful to have these resources. If neither you nor your partner are HSPs, I would highly recommend seeking out an HSC expert to coach you through the early parenting years. It’s also important to rule out any behaviors that may warrant a closer evaluation for any larger problems such as ADHD or Autism.
The Highly Sensitive Child, by Dr. Elaine N. Aron is also a wonderful book full of resources for many of the ages and stages of a child’s life. In this book, Aron walks the reader through the challenges of raising an HSC, how to parent when you yourself are not sensitive, and much, much more. Dr. Aron advises that having a top-notch temperament counselor or therapist on hand is advisable.
Looking for an HSP-Trained coach to help you align your life with your priorities?
Through my Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) certification with the Nickerson Institute, as well as being an HSP, I offer HSP coaching to develop specific goals around your HSP needs. We HSPs frequently deal with anxiety and overstimulated nervous systems that prevent us from achieving peace and attaining our life goals. HSP coaching with me includes a detailed review of your sensitivities and a mutually-desired plan for growth and management of this superpower to shift negativity and begin seeing yourself as the hero of your own story. [Coaching packages start at $150 per month.]
Now that we’ve reviewed some of the basics, here are four tips to help you become the best parent you can be to your highly sensitive son or sons.
Tip #1 – Pace Your Social and Extra-Curricular Commitments
Kids often innately know what they do and do not want to do. Before suggesting your son take on a new sport, hobby, team, group such as Boy Scouts, honor their “pause and check” instinct by offering to take them to watch. Allowing him to observe a soccer game or go to a Boy Scout meeting can help them know what they are getting into. Discuss the requirements such as how many practices, games, events, and volunteer requirements. Often what can start out as excitement, ends up drudgery when they have many events that lead to overwhelm or burnout.
Throughout my boys’ education – from elementary school, to middle school, to high school – we’d have discussions around the commitments of sports, clubs, and other organizations such as church. It is easier than ever to overcommit your kids (and yourselves as parents). Taking things slow, and listening to your kids is vital. Try out one new thing at a time and offer a way out if it becomes too much.
Tip #2 – Prioritize Healthy Diet, Good Sleep, and Sacred Family Time
Sensitive kids know they are different. They often feel like an outsider, older than their years and wiser than some of the adults in their lives. They take it so much more stimuli than other non-sensitive kids. Because of this, they will need more rest, they will feel the effects of fast food or low nutritional diets, and they cherish belonging to a family most of all. Take tender care with them and remind them that honoring their bodies is important. Teach them self-care as young kids – it’s never too early!
My younger son, now in high school, is a starting pitcher on his high school’s baseball team. Each night after practice, he comes home, eats a good dinner, and climbs into our hot tub for 20 minutes. He tells me that it relaxes all his muscles and allows him to sleep more deeply and wake up refreshed. At 17, he learned (through a myriad of injuries) how to take care of his body and his mind in order to perform at a top level. At this young age, he takes better care of himself than many middle-aged men!
Tip #3 – Help Them at Their Own Pace for Raising Sensitive Boys
Often, sensitive boys seem quieter, reticent, or even painfully shy. They may not feel like making new friends, with the power plays on the playground causing them anxiety or worry. While trying to be positive and encouraging, sometimes well-meaning parents push their sons too much. “Why don’t you offer to have Declan over for a play date? He likes the Xbox, too!” Or, “You can go door-to-door selling for your soccer team, let me show you how it’s done.” Some things are life skills, others are not something an HSC is ever going to want to do. They just won’t. Big and choose your battles. Encourage them to advocate for themselves where it matters, and leave the rest for another day, or never.
When my older son was about 10, I encouraged him to place his own order in line for burgers at our favorite chain. He said no, he didn’t want to. I let it go for another year, then tried again. At 11, he was still too nervous to ask. Fast forward to 13, and he had no problem correcting his burger made incorrectly. He could go out with friends and order at a sit-down restaurant. It was a simple thing, but he was able to do this when he felt he could—and not a moment sooner. This is true for many HSCs. They won’t be pushed until they are ready. Respect their autonomy. It is easy to call them a name or criticize them – this is a warning. Don’t do it! I have made this mistake and it’s not pretty. If you do slip up – and you’re only human, it will happen – apologize for injuring your child. Be their ally, not their enemy. You are a team working to raise the best possible son.
Tip #4 – Let Them See You Fail AND Apologize
To hinge on the last tip, sensitive boys value authenticity and depth. They will notice when you fail in general, and in parenting. We all fail, repeatedly, as parents. We get angry, we say things we don’t mean, and we criticize when we should be speaking positively. Let them see you fail but don’t leave it there. Model being humble, admitting you failed them, and ask for their forgiveness. More than anything – especially between a father and son – this modeling can cement their respect for you as a parent and develop your relationship more deeply and more quickly. Do this when your kids are young and keep doing it. None of us is a perfect parent, nor a perfect child. Being filled with humility and loving your child deeply with mutual respect and admiration can fill your life with such incredible joy as they transition into adulthood.
As a mom to a great 22-year-old adult son, I can say with confidence that loving your sensitive son well from the get-go is extremely hard work, and totally worth it.
Be sensitive, be free
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